de tus ojos hice mi mejor cancion

Y a pesar de todo, lo que has hecho Con mi pobre vida, te amo

Con mi pobre vida, te extraño Con mi triste vida, me muero Traicionaste mis sentimientos, mi vida agoniza

Muchas noches tristes, las que vivo Porque quiero tenerte, nuevamente en mis brazos Regresar al pasado Y olvidar las traiciones Que son las que me tienen, penando por tu amor.

Quisiera que el tiempo, borrara Todos esos malos, recuerdos Esos que me tienen, sufriendo Pero el tiempo no borra, nada Tan solo arrastraron, la calma De mi pobre vida

“A pesar de todo”

Despite everything that you have done, with my poor life, I love you

With my poor life, I miss you. With my sad life, I Die; You betrayed my feelings, my life is in agony.

Many nights I spend in melancholy, because I want to have you again in my arms. I want to go back and forget your betrayals, because they have me agonizing for your love.

I wish that time could erase all those bad memories, that keep me suffering. But time doesn’t erase them, it has only dragged the calmness out of my life.

“Despite everything”


You are my sickness. I can no longer retain the amount of love I have for you, I am drowning.

So I hope you can take it all and leave me dry, so I can start anew, and find a new home.

I have nothing left to say.

So I guess this is goodbye.

I doubt you will ever love me like I love you.

8:25PM

I am missing you so much, and someone once told me, to go in with my eyes Wide open because you are showing me who you really are. And I thought I could be happy with you lying to me but I am not. You say you love me, how? When I am not enough for you. When you would do more for others than for me. Then why keep me?

Why do you always try to keep me stuck to your hip, you want me like that yet it is not okay for to have others. fine. but I cannot share you either. not emotionally anyway. you say lets open the relationship, and you say it with such disdain as if you hadn’t been the one who threw this to shit.

I have cried 2 nights straight, and yes I am menstrating but your apathy is killing me. I just want to hear you or talk to you, and now im supposedly the one. but its not me, because im only like this because of what you have done. I can’t think straight.

08/06

Growing pains all throughout March-May, and things are finally settling a bit.

I gave myself no break, going hard as ever working and then immediately enrolling in summer courses.

Do I regret it? No. Even with COVID, life has not really slowed down or been slightly less stressful. Thanks to my tenacity, and choices from the beginning of the year/end of last, 2 opportunities that I have been manifesting have now presented themselves in the past week!
I have a certain plan for my life and I definitely have goals that I want to reach within now and the next year.

I will be living between X city during the week and LA on the weekends, I will be working in the sector that I have been networking and immersing myself in. By this time next year, I anticipate getting a few small cosmetic procedures done to bring out my natural beautiful a little more 🙂

Man, I am so looking forward to different problems, and not the ones I am currently facing. Which are minimal, and baby shit – therefore, not problems that are worth dealing with.

Everything I have ever wanted, I have had.

One of my ex-boyfriends even wrote that to me in one of his last messages to me. “Tu alguna vez dijiste, que se te cumple todo lo que quieres en la vida. Y ya veo que es cierto”. He sent that after I broke up and moved states away lol. And he wasn’t wrong though! My life dramatically improved after I left him, I was shocked. I should have lavished in those first months of freedom longer, and better.

He still is the most meaningful relationship I’ve ever had, in a bad way. There are days, weeks, months even that I don’t think about him. But my trigger dates are approaching, so I’m controlling my thoughts in this way.

You truly create your own reality.

My reality is that I am destined to be successful, loved, and memorable.

pendejo

Un y mil veces,

pendejo

me ruinas mi vida

salte de mi corazon

ya no quiero que vivas aquí

lamento haberte conocido

lamento haber retorcido entre tus brazos

no se por que amo sin cesar a hombre que se empeñan a lastimarme,

a engañarme

y tratarme como quieran

me siento como Maria Magdalena,

derramando mis lagrimas por ti,

y usándolas, empapando mi cabellera con ellas

para limpiar tus tiernos pies

los pies de un hombre que no ha sufrido

dias en el sol

eres un pendejo

por que yo hubiera dado mi vida entera por ti

Mucho Corazón…

Dar por un querer,

la vida misma sin morir

Eso es cariño

No lo que hay en ti

РBenny Mor̩

I’ve tried forgetting you

One night, and then another,

and then a couple more.

You’ve impregnanted my mind with your nonchalance,

And like a boy yearning for his father’s approval

I do what I think you want me to,

I do my best for you,

But I don’t think its enough.

I ruined this by trusting you too early,

by loving you too early,

I bared my soul to a man who lacks one.

You’re the cruel one in this relationship

Even if I am the one who occasionally holds the whip.


Que inútil son mis esfuerzos de olvidarte,

te pienso con cada canción, te veo en las nubes, y te siento cuando el viento acaricia mi piel.

Que pendeja soy yo por amarte de esta forma,

que tonta soy por amarte asi.

Soy pintora, pero no atrevo usar mi pincel

Que los colores no podrán hacer justicia en describir todo lo que siento por ti.

Inutilmente te escribo versos,

te dedico canciones,

Estas paginas, letras, lagrimas

son para ti.

Mas de un hombre se muere por estar a mis pies,

besar mi piel morena,

Escuchar el chasquido de mis dedos finos.

Pero prefiero mil veces la mas minima caricia tuya.

Mi corazón es tuyo y atrás de el,

Sigue mi alma.

Mi mente no somete fácil, aunque eres todo lo que pienso

Con fuerzas esta atada a la realidad,

que tal vez solamente soy un juego para ti

tu rico pasatiempo.

Tu no sabes lo que es amar.

amour, ma vie

What more can I do, at this point I can either wait and see your true passion or leave and never turn back.

I deserve more than what you are currently giving.

Call me greedy. Call me ravenous. But I am not in the wrong.

I wish you hadn’t plucked me.

Why keep me if you’re just going to let me wither,

was I not prettier while growing, expanding

I do not want to be flora that will be replaced after the freshness is gone

Toss me to the wind, let me be.

Or keep me,

press me,

Preserve me in the heart of your favorite book,

Place me between the pages of your most wonderful memory,

Treasure me.


Me recuerdas demasiado de mi mas fatal amor.

Un amor que deseo revivir jamás.

Me encuentro preguntado a mi misma, por que te amo así; por que la verdad un anglo-sajón no merece una pasión así.

Siendo franca, tu mereces una aburrida blanca igual que tu. Atole de agua. Bolillo seco. Arroz aguado que nadie quiere.

Deberías agradecer la vida todas las mañanas y noches por haberme conocido. Yo, todo una mujer. Divina feminidad. Una Diosa.

Yo te amo con sinceridad.

Y si algún dia me arrepiento de haberte amado tanto, que así sea, que por lo menos este amor me ha inspirado a escribir versos y mejorar mi labia cada día.

Y si algún dia tu llegas a leer y entender todas estas dedicaciones de amor, no me dará vergüenza.

Que las letras que te he dedicado han sido y serán las mas finas.

Ojala que aprendas mi lengua, la que tanto te encanta sentir pasar sobre tu piel. Para que sepas que soy una gran poeta y escritora en dos mundos.

piedras: melancholia

When I reflect upon my life, I always try to see it from the perspective of an outside force.

Because truly, no one else’s perspective matters. I no longer question “why” I went through or go through things. I just accept my challenges and blessings as they present themselves.

Also really grateful I haven’t been married/had the need to and that I have no kids.


I’ve learned to wash my clothes on rocks since as early as I can remember, probably 10 years old I started to really get the knack of it and at 17, I was pretty skilled.

At 17, I had already made friends with other indigenous and mestizo girls my age from my grandparent’s village. My cousin, them, and I would go as a group together down to the riverbank, hauling either a sack or cart-full of laundry as we walked down the unpaved roads.

We’d be laughing, joking about, well, teenage girl things. Our favorite time to go was about an hour or two before dusk. We knew they’d be almost no “Ama de casas” during the early evenings, meaning we could be free to talk about what we please without fear of being eavesdropped.

I didn’t care about others hearing my conversations, but then again I didn’t live there year-round and being a USC gave me a pass on many things that would be considered offensive if done by others.

The Sun never seems to want to go away when you’re near the equator, I’m glad there are parts on Earth that relatively unscathed by European bull shit.

Our favorite parts of the banks are were the water was the calmest and not so deep. Out of our group of 3-5 girls, only another girl and myself could swim. Both her and I were able to dive into the deeps of the river and find the best rocks to throw and scrub our dirty clothes on.

I recall diving and finding the perfect slab, a bit porous, but not overly so, just enough to be abrasive. I’d grab the slab with both my hands, wiggling it around, and prying it up from the sandy bottom without disturbing the water or bottom too much. Its hard for me to imagine that I actually could go longer than 2 minutes under water while making an extraneous effort to lift a 20 pound slab of rock stuck in clay and sand. It was no deeper than 10-12 feet underwater, but my cousin and the other girls were afraid of the current.

I’d usually help my cousin and dive one for her as well, but sometimes she was a bitch and it was sweet revenge to see her wash her clothes on a not so perfect rock or a boulder.

The best slab should be about 2-3 feet long and wide.

We’d place them against the roots of a tree if the river was overgrown or against a boulder, ensuring ourselves it was sturdy before continuing with our task. Optimal condition is when the river is a little overflowing, enough that the water is at or just above our knees.

  1. Hardest articles should be washed first, as to not tire yourself too quickly. Things such as jeans or towels. (if you were lucky though, your parents owned a small plug in washer for towels and blankets)
  2. You submerge the article of clothing completely, or you had a little bowl to use to scoop up water from the river to pour over the clothes.
  3. All about arm strength, baby. You sprinkle laundry detergent over your clothes and use every muscle in your arm to froth the article back and forth, flipping it over after your done with one side.
  4. Once it is all frothy and suddy, you can either submerge it in the water or use the bowl again.
  5. You twist and squeeze the article until it is barely dripping any water and you throw it into a clean large bucket, sack, or cart.

Maybe some will argue that this is polluting, but I’ll counter argue that polluting is when governments allow transnational corporations to use these same rivers to dump their waste.

If I ever went in the mornings, it was with my grandmother. It was like, a communal event to wash your clothes in the river in the mornings. Almost every woman in town would be there, if she wasn’t there already yesterday. Some would be done with their laundry for the day, sitting at the high banks breast feeding their baby or catching up with a friend or sister. Some women, mostly the older ones, would go shirtless or completely sans-bra. It was a safe place, free of judgement. No men. The only males there, if any, were under 5 years of age.

Matriarchal.

I never experienced anything as similar to that, and I don’t think I ever will again.

I can thank transnational corporations (again), narcos, and politics for that.

Hate men, mostly white, rich men. You ruin everything. I enjoy ruining your cookie-cut life.

06/04 – “Xica da silva”

Vanilla life has been kicking my ass the past 10 days, and I have a 6 day vanilla work day coming up u_u but it does end with 3-day weekend. Most likely will take a technology detox on Catalina Island.


Surprise, surprise. I got back with my ex.

We spent the last weekend fucking, and when we weren’t messing around we were out in nature, cooking, or watching movies. I’ll add that -I- fucked him first the night before I let his silly cock slip inside me again ❤

We talked the day after Father’s Day and put everything on the table. I don’t ask for much, but expect a lot. If that makes sense. I didn’t compromise (I’m not at fault lol), but he did.

Its upsetting to realize that I am profusely in love with this middle-age, capitalist white man. I used to be anti-white in my teens till probably 20; very Chicanx, a self-proclaimed socialist and vocal about issues in the brown community until my abusive ex broke me lol. I wouldn’t even engage with white bois unless it was to humiliate them.

I think in part why I am so enamored by him is because by learning about him, I learn somewhat more about white American culture. As a rule of thumb, I am indifferent towards all new white Americans that I meet. I think the brown narrative default is to hate them, but personally, they don’t deserve that much passion from my part.

I don’t even hate Trump supporters. I just have no respect for them.

I do hate the Eurocentric values that were forced upon us, and the patriarchy. The darker her skin, the more value I place on Her views and desires.

Race doesn’t even exist, its all social constructs created by men and the Catholic Church.

The whites wipe out races, animals, and ecosystems… how do you not deserve to be punished lol. White women have furthered racist rhetoric throughout history, so when it comes to the topic of feminism I don’t really care what they have to say unless they are speaking on behalf of Brown and Black womxn to reach a larger audience.

I do love my boyfriend though, because he is always willing to learn. He has said very insensitive things, but only because no one told him he was wrong and luckily he now has me to make him a better human being 🙂


Currently, I’m contemplating whether to add a minor or double major to my degree. I’m taking summer classes, working, and still have to study for the LSAT! I probably won’t be able to take the LSAT until 2022 it seems like at this rate. I wonder what its like to be born with a silver spoon in your mouth sometimes.

— H

walt whitman

Este es mi diario, de los amores de mi vida y mis mas íntimos deseos.

Aspiro poder escribir versos hermosos y impactante, para compartirlos y enseñar que bonito se siente amar y adorar.

Yo no quise venir a este mundo, no fue mi decision.

Pero al fin al cabo estoy aquí.

Creci en tierras calientes, entre el Sur de California y la Península de Yucatan. He visto al hombre mas humilde, y al hombre con mas poder y dinero que tiempo.

La vida me ha quitado todo, y me ha dado todo.

En mi corazón, se que voy en camino al éxito.

Quisiera compartir mi jornada con ustedes, para que vean como crezco y obtengo mis metas. Aveces siento que tengo el favor del universo, porque ya me ha enseñado lo mas feo de la vida. Ahora me falta ver lo mas hermoso.

El poeta Americano, Walt Whitman, escribió el libro “Leaves of Grass” durante el transcurso de su vida. Muchos veneran a este libro como su autobiografía.

Gracias Walt, porque usted me ha inspirado y usted me da ánimos en escribir casi todos los días.

Yo se que su libro era una obra viviente, siempre mejorando hasta que usted estaba satisfecho; o el día de su muerte.

En mi mente, hay miles de imágenes y memorias que reservo.

Unas buenas, que me traen alegría o placer; otras que me dan miedo y rabia.

Mi vida no es como los de los demás. Y por eso lo relato. Necesito recordarme que yo sufri y gane mi estancia, sino me hare una malagradecida. Y eso repugno.

24

The summers between us.

The age that I am.

At times, I wish that I never met you.

At times, I wonder what would be of my life now, if you were never in it.

I do not want to owe any of my successes to you.


We spoke on Father’s Day and we saw each other for the first time in over 3 months the day after.

When I saw you, it felt as if my heart was a field full of budding flowers that suddenly bloomed. I have only been a fool for one other man, and he ruined me. I fear the same with you.

I don’t want to depend on you. I don’t need your help. I don’t want to owe you anything.

I wanted to hear what you had to say and see if you were sorry. After an hour of hearing you, I asked “why” with frustration and a tear streaming down my face, and another ready to fall. I would have left if I didn’t feel you were sorry, I would have left if I didn’t see you be human for once.

Your eyes weld up while seeing mine, I don’t really remember what you said.

Thats all I wanted to see.

I want an FLR, I want a full and happy life with you.

rome

you are my downfall, I hate to admit it.

what is it about you that brings me to my knees? Figuratively though, because I never let my legs touch the floor when I’m pleasing you.

My balance surprises you sometimes. Leaves you breathless, maybe?

It would be so much better if you didn’t know what you do to me…but a dumb man you are not, even though I lovingly call you my dummy.

I refused to cry for you, or over you, and I held it in for months. One night, it all burst through the stronghold and I cried senselessly, realizing and accepting that you did not love me with the same intensity that I loved you. How foolish I am, for falling in love with you.

I am seeing you today,

and I have to admit I am a little nervous.

As strong as I know I am, you are my downfall.

You are the spear that pierces through me and brings me down. My final blow.

I am not sure what will happen after today.

It feels almost as if this affair was a complicated game of chess.

I am unsure how I was able to get this far. Pure luck, most likely, as that tends to be the foundation of all my successes. Because I don’t know anything about this game, I played it cool. But I had you fooled though, in the first half, enough to make you nervous and believe that I did.

now its me who’s nervous, I have no counsel. but god, do I love a challenge and the adrenaline of having everything on the line.