september: chiles rellenos

Per usual, this is another letter for you.

Did you wonder if I loved you today? If so, the answer is yes, I do.

Sometimes I feel like I’m writing to 24-year-old you, not 48-year-old you. I imagine you much more handsome back then, without as much charm as you have now. You’re a tricky one, un mañoso.

Pero me encantan tus mañas.

Here I am writing again because I can’t stop thinking of you. I hope we live together soon. If we could get a dog, I’d like an Australian shepherd or a medium-sized mutt.

The other night I cooked for you. I think I surpassed your expectations, or passed some sort of secret test of yours. You will mostly cook, and I will cook twice a week, alternating Monday, Friday, and Sundays. I won’t confess it directly to you, but I have the intention of trying out new recipes so I can perfect at least 3 dishes for you. You are my old man. “The way to a mans heart is through his stomach”… (and before that his anus, maybe?)

I made Chile rellenos for you, you liked them and you I saved the recipe for the future, I will write it and keep it for you.

you ate 3! 1 poblano, and 2 jalapeños. recipe:

Chiles Prep

4 Poblano (pref for special occasions,) or 6 Jalapeños

roast the peppers until blacked, cover with lid if roasting in a pan or enclose in a bag

leave in bag/closed until your relleno is finished. should be cooled by then

peel black skin, use spoon or hands. be careful to not touch the seeds! can be very spicy/burn

cut open, devein. Once cleaned fill in with relleno, toss in flour until coated. dip and cover in turrón, add to hot frying pan

relleno

1 tomato, diced

1/2 white onion,diced

1 clove of garlic, minced

1 Chile serrano, diced

vegan “ground beef”

pinch of salt

sprinkle of pepper

flour

2 tablespoons of fresh cilantro, chopped (or you can use 1 tablespoon of fresh mint, if you want to amaze yourself)

place pan over medium heat, add a tsp of oil (avocado oil was used), once oil toss in vegan beef.

once the nonmeat is in small pieces, add chopped onion and minced garlic. Wait until browned, add tomato and Serrano. add salt and pepper. Stir occasionally, make sure ingredients are well mixed together.

turrón

3 egg whites

1 yolk

jugo Magi (this is a secret I learned from an aunt)

Beat egg whites until foamy. Best test, hold the recipient you are using upside down, if it slides, keep beating.

Once fluffed, add egg yolk, 2 splashes of jugo magi, stir in until well blended.

sauce

1 roma tomato, the redder the better

1 Chile serrano

1 clove of garlic

boil, then blend. add to hot skillet, stir, add salt and pepper to taste,

optional, touch of oregano

add warm sauce over hot Chile. serve with red rice rec.

I love that both of us know how to cook. Good memories with you are replacing the bad ones. Maybe things can be fixed. I hope so, I love you.

“Like Water for Chocolate” by Laura Esquivel is one of my favorites, for corny, obvious reasons. I hope you enjoy it.

love that book, its so cute. beautiful, romantic, makes your heartache, perfect for me.


I’d like to learn chiles en nogada, my favorite Mexican delicacy. Mole is also on the list.

poesía 1

estoy tomando y pensando en ti

por que me tratas así,

si sabes cuanto te amo y deseo.

como el humo te evaporas de mis brazos,

unas noches conmigo, abrigándome empapándome con gotas de tu agua.

y por las mañanas te desvaneces.

por que me haces estor amor,

si sabes cuanto te amo y anhelo.

its too late now

It’s 3am and I am up thinking about you. 

I toss in turn in my bed, fumble in my sheets and sigh. My arm drapes over a pillow, and my fingers hang from the edge of the bed. I wish we were still together.

I wonder what you think about. You said recently that I am the first and last thing on your mind. What are you dreaming of tonight?

—————————————————————————–

A few minutes ago, I was about to text you. I was going to say how I wish we never met. I didn’t even bother typing it out. I just stared at your name in my phone and thought of all the ways you’ve been a POS.

The most terrible thing about all this, is the amount of love I still have for you. I could write poems about your eyes. They will forever be my favorite thing about you. I remember looking into them dotingly as you bathed me in your tub. You washed my body with the same care a parent would for their baby. I swear this as the day I fell in love with you. When I glanced up and you looked into my eyes, you knew. You saw my naked truth that day.

I think of those pretty eyes often.

I realized your eyes were hazel one morning. The suns rays entered through one of the windows, lighting up your room and consequently, those two orbs as well. Waking up and blinking my own sleepy ones, I saw you already up laying on your side. I am unsure if that morning felt particularly bright and warm due to the sun or because of us.

There are no words in the English language that can accurately convey all that I feel for you. It is a pity that you don’t understand any Spanish. I’ve gathered the most beautiful definitions of love of both my cultures for you.

I’ve become such a fool for you, that for my own good I’m staying away.

So many times you’ve lied to me and I willingly dismissed them due to lack of evidence.

This distance I am putting between you and me is making me realize that you are not as good as I had thought. Now, there is not a doubt in my mind that you have been untrue to me on more than one occasion. Or perhaps it was the chase that you were in love with. Whatever the reason, I am not sending you anymore late night “I miss you” texts out of the blue, I will not respond to your half-ass “check ins” that you do every couple of days. Seriously. Is that some white people shit or do you really not give a fuck about anyone except yourself? You don’t even give me the chance to try to forget you.

You’re a complete narcissist. You see how you have me, so you keep me in your pocket when you run out of other sources of attention. Fuck that dude. Its only me or nothing.

You’re a fucking asshole.

You almost ruined me.

Was it worth it? The night I confronted you (actually cross-examined YOUR ass via telephone), you fessed and said “it was for my self confidence” and that you only wanted me etc etc etc etc

What upsets me most of all, is that -I- made you the man you are today. You hold your head up high because of me. You have confidence, thanks to me. At times, I am unsure if you copied my personality or if we were truly so similar.

Honestly, I don’t care that you’re an asshole. You care about animals, I care about people. I care about social inequality and I had to explain these concepts to you. I didn’t mind. You grew up a privileged white man, from the mid-west nonetheless. I never wanted you to change, just want to show you another side of life perhaps you hadn’t seen before.

I know I gave you life. You were dull and apathetic when I met you. I wasn’t impressed. But, I was determined to crack your shell and I did and this is how you repay me. I asked you for a break, I asked for an open relationship. we discussed these more than once. you were the one who said “no break” “no open relationship” “I only want you”. Ok bitch, then why do you have these other dating profiles. In the beginning, I thought I was just crazy (as per usual), but then I remember my madness always has a reason.

“I’ll do anything h, anything you want”. It was as easy as just being honest, but I guess you couldn’t deal with the idea of me fucking other people or finding someone else while you did the same lol.

So, were on a “break”. Fuck that, over a month of this small talk bull shit, I can’t do this. I realize now that I don’t want this -you- back. I didn’t text you because its infuriating to think you may be sleeping over with someone right now. Whatever, whatever, whatever.

I knew you’d be the man I’d write about, and here I am. You’re etched into my life.

I hate you for a fleeting moment, but god, I know as soon as I see your pretty eyes again I’ll melt and forget about everything you’ve done… I’m scared to see you again. I hope when I do, I can look directly into your sweet, golden honey gaze and be able to hide all this immense love for you.

Please lets just break up. I want to remember what it is like to love you again, without fear.

Maybe in the future, you can love me as much or more.

I’m fighting between wanting to love you or forget you. I’m on the cusp. You’re about to lose me forever. Please don’t be late.

who knows what Love is? 10/02/19

this blog post is inspired by the song by Strawberry Switchblade…

I tend to fall in love with minor things. The rhythm of a song, the smell of certain flora, the smile or laugh of a stranger. It makes me happy to appreciate the details in life, and I hold them dear to my heart because I think each day is a gift and one should find something to be grateful in the trans course of their 24 hour period.

Each memory I make, especially those that bring me to smile, I keep them close to my heart and before I rest my head on my pillow I think of them again. Perhaps due to my empathetic nature, it is very easy for my emotions to be jostled by simple things. Perhaps due to me having nothing for the majority of my life I find value in things one wouldn’t glance over twice.

My life is not average, I am not average. I am not a pro domme, but have the ability to be. I choose to be who I am, and choose to be with certain people….

The people I keep in my life, it is because I love them or care for them deeply. There are very few people I stay in touch with. I want to know that they are happy, and if they are not, I want them to share their emotions with me.

My heart is a big house. But lately I feel it has been your halfway house.

You live here, with support and comfort. But I know your intentions are to leave once you are at your best.

Don’t forget where you came from, don’t forget where you were before and who you were before, and where you were while you worked to become the best person you could be.

Everything that comes around goes around, and maybe one day you will remember the support you had, and that this heart was a home for you and that is no longer yours.