sabra Dios

you continue to fester in my brain, therefore I remain completely fixated on you.

I hope my neighbors heard us that time I invited you over, so they can understand why I was crying last night listening to romantic Spanish songs.

At first, I would pretend to be surprised to when I noticed you were hard around me. But you got stiff for me so often, that I would switch between teasing you about it or giving you reassurance. I loved feeling your big hand reach over to rub my pussy while we were headed toward somewhere ; I enjoy making you act irrationally. The moments you acted human are the ones that assure me that this is, or was, real.

Here I am trying to forget you but you are still constantly on my mind. Some people still think you’re my boyfriend, I cringe when they ask about you.

And to be honest, I only allowed you this deep into my life because I originally had the intention of using you, only to realize I was the one being used all along. But I love you so much, if we were to be together in the future, I would go in fully understanding the type of man you are.

I only have myself to blame for falling deeply in love with you. Nothing makes my heart race faster than a man who can potentially put me in my place and hurt me.

In a conversation with someone, they brought up indigeneity and futurism; is our relationship not similar to the conquistador with with indigenous mistress, did I not aid you in your pursuit of the world. And like her, was I not fucked over by my lover. What do I have to show? Those 3 or 4 pair of fancy shoes you bought me, the expensive coat, the fine dinners, the trips? At least she bore his first child. You took what I could give and left me bare.

If you were just playing with me, then you are terrible for talking about having a kid with me. I told you if you didn’t want kids ever, then this will not work. Your response was that you were open to it, but after a discussion. You said if you didn’t have kids with me, you wouldn’t have kids with anyone else; which probably just meant that you never had any intentions of having children with me or anyone.

I apologize, I am just trying to make sense of all of this.

On the other hand, I can’t help but also think that we are both sick fucks. I can’t imagine anyone else you have met in your past or will met in the future can rock you with a strap on the way I can. Or ride you like I can. I love you so much to the point I’ve become submissive to you and I know you’ve noticed. If mentally torturing me like this pleases you, then I can’t help but oblige just a little. – H

its too late now

It’s 3am and I am up thinking about you. 

I toss in turn in my bed, fumble in my sheets and sigh. My arm drapes over a pillow, and my fingers hang from the edge of the bed. I wish we were still together.

I wonder what you think about. You said recently that I am the first and last thing on your mind. What are you dreaming of tonight?

—————————————————————————–

A few minutes ago, I was about to text you. I was going to say how I wish we never met. I didn’t even bother typing it out. I just stared at your name in my phone and thought of all the ways you’ve been a POS.

The most terrible thing about all this, is the amount of love I still have for you. I could write poems about your eyes. They will forever be my favorite thing about you. I remember looking into them dotingly as you bathed me in your tub. You washed my body with the same care a parent would for their baby. I swear this as the day I fell in love with you. When I glanced up and you looked into my eyes, you knew. You saw my naked truth that day.

I think of those pretty eyes often.

I realized your eyes were hazel one morning. The suns rays entered through one of the windows, lighting up your room and consequently, those two orbs as well. Waking up and blinking my own sleepy ones, I saw you already up laying on your side. I am unsure if that morning felt particularly bright and warm due to the sun or because of us.

There are no words in the English language that can accurately convey all that I feel for you. It is a pity that you don’t understand any Spanish. I’ve gathered the most beautiful definitions of love of both my cultures for you.

I’ve become such a fool for you, that for my own good I’m staying away.

So many times you’ve lied to me and I willingly dismissed them due to lack of evidence.

This distance I am putting between you and me is making me realize that you are not as good as I had thought. Now, there is not a doubt in my mind that you have been untrue to me on more than one occasion. Or perhaps it was the chase that you were in love with. Whatever the reason, I am not sending you anymore late night “I miss you” texts out of the blue, I will not respond to your half-ass “check ins” that you do every couple of days. Seriously. Is that some white people shit or do you really not give a fuck about anyone except yourself? You don’t even give me the chance to try to forget you.

You’re a complete narcissist. You see how you have me, so you keep me in your pocket when you run out of other sources of attention. Fuck that dude. Its only me or nothing.

You’re a fucking asshole.

You almost ruined me.

Was it worth it? The night I confronted you (actually cross-examined YOUR ass via telephone), you fessed and said “it was for my self confidence” and that you only wanted me etc etc etc etc

What upsets me most of all, is that -I- made you the man you are today. You hold your head up high because of me. You have confidence, thanks to me. At times, I am unsure if you copied my personality or if we were truly so similar.

Honestly, I don’t care that you’re an asshole. You care about animals, I care about people. I care about social inequality and I had to explain these concepts to you. I didn’t mind. You grew up a privileged white man, from the mid-west nonetheless. I never wanted you to change, just want to show you another side of life perhaps you hadn’t seen before.

I know I gave you life. You were dull and apathetic when I met you. I wasn’t impressed. But, I was determined to crack your shell and I did and this is how you repay me. I asked you for a break, I asked for an open relationship. we discussed these more than once. you were the one who said “no break” “no open relationship” “I only want you”. Ok bitch, then why do you have these other dating profiles. In the beginning, I thought I was just crazy (as per usual), but then I remember my madness always has a reason.

“I’ll do anything h, anything you want”. It was as easy as just being honest, but I guess you couldn’t deal with the idea of me fucking other people or finding someone else while you did the same lol.

So, were on a “break”. Fuck that, over a month of this small talk bull shit, I can’t do this. I realize now that I don’t want this -you- back. I didn’t text you because its infuriating to think you may be sleeping over with someone right now. Whatever, whatever, whatever.

I knew you’d be the man I’d write about, and here I am. You’re etched into my life.

I hate you for a fleeting moment, but god, I know as soon as I see your pretty eyes again I’ll melt and forget about everything you’ve done… I’m scared to see you again. I hope when I do, I can look directly into your sweet, golden honey gaze and be able to hide all this immense love for you.

Please lets just break up. I want to remember what it is like to love you again, without fear.

Maybe in the future, you can love me as much or more.

I’m fighting between wanting to love you or forget you. I’m on the cusp. You’re about to lose me forever. Please don’t be late.