you continue to fester in my brain, therefore I remain completely fixated on you.
I hope my neighbors heard us that time I invited you over, so they can understand why I was crying last night listening to romantic Spanish songs.
At first, I would pretend to be surprised to when I noticed you were hard around me. But you got stiff for me so often, that I would switch between teasing you about it or giving you reassurance. I loved feeling your big hand reach over to rub my pussy while we were headed toward somewhere ; I enjoy making you act irrationally. The moments you acted human are the ones that assure me that this is, or was, real.
Here I am trying to forget you but you are still constantly on my mind. Some people still think you’re my boyfriend, I cringe when they ask about you.
And to be honest, I only allowed you this deep into my life because I originally had the intention of using you, only to realize I was the one being used all along. But I love you so much, if we were to be together in the future, I would go in fully understanding the type of man you are.
I only have myself to blame for falling deeply in love with you. Nothing makes my heart race faster than a man who can potentially put me in my place and hurt me.
In a conversation with someone, they brought up indigeneity and futurism; is our relationship not similar to the conquistador with with indigenous mistress, did I not aid you in your pursuit of the world. And like her, was I not fucked over by my lover. What do I have to show? Those 3 or 4 pair of fancy shoes you bought me, the expensive coat, the fine dinners, the trips? At least she bore his first child. You took what I could give and left me bare.
If you were just playing with me, then you are terrible for talking about having a kid with me. I told you if you didn’t want kids ever, then this will not work. Your response was that you were open to it, but after a discussion. You said if you didn’t have kids with me, you wouldn’t have kids with anyone else; which probably just meant that you never had any intentions of having children with me or anyone.
I apologize, I am just trying to make sense of all of this.
On the other hand, I can’t help but also think that we are both sick fucks. I can’t imagine anyone else you have met in your past or will met in the future can rock you with a strap on the way I can. Or ride you like I can. I love you so much to the point I’ve become submissive to you and I know you’ve noticed. If mentally torturing me like this pleases you, then I can’t help but oblige just a little. – H