Truth be told, I’m just as in love with you as I was yesterday. Can you just be man enough to cut me out of your life

I’ll probably will still want to be with you when you’re old and wrinkly aka 20 years from now so why Are you a bitch about this

tes yeux

I can’t stop thinking about them. I would love to bask in their golden-green radiance again.

Have you ever read Love in Times of Cholera? Neither have I. I think we should write a book about our love, even if its fiction.

I’m happy you were brought into my life. You remind me that I love challenges and how good I am at overcoming them.

Sometimes I’m not sure if I love you or my idealization of you. If we ever live together, I would probably change your name to “Dad” in my contacts. It is so sad that we lost the essence of what we had. I’m scared that when I see you, I’ll realize that I don’t love you anymore. I want you in my heart forever, because once your out you’ll never be able to find a way back in.

Will we work? If we stay together, no. If not 1, 2, or 3 years from now, then perhaps in another life. My foolish dream: that it will only take one year to forget you and meet you again.

its too late now

It’s 3am and I am up thinking about you. 

I toss in turn in my bed, fumble in my sheets and sigh. My arm drapes over a pillow, and my fingers hang from the edge of the bed. I wish we were still together.

I wonder what you think about. You said recently that I am the first and last thing on your mind. What are you dreaming of tonight?

—————————————————————————–

A few minutes ago, I was about to text you. I was going to say how I wish we never met. I didn’t even bother typing it out. I just stared at your name in my phone and thought of all the ways you’ve been a POS.

The most terrible thing about all this, is the amount of love I still have for you. I could write poems about your eyes. They will forever be my favorite thing about you. I remember looking into them dotingly as you bathed me in your tub. You washed my body with the same care a parent would for their baby. I swear this as the day I fell in love with you. When I glanced up and you looked into my eyes, you knew. You saw my naked truth that day.

I think of those pretty eyes often.

I realized your eyes were hazel one morning. The suns rays entered through one of the windows, lighting up your room and consequently, those two orbs as well. Waking up and blinking my own sleepy ones, I saw you already up laying on your side. I am unsure if that morning felt particularly bright and warm due to the sun or because of us.

There are no words in the English language that can accurately convey all that I feel for you. It is a pity that you don’t understand any Spanish. I’ve gathered the most beautiful definitions of love of both my cultures for you.

I’ve become such a fool for you, that for my own good I’m staying away.

So many times you’ve lied to me and I willingly dismissed them due to lack of evidence.

This distance I am putting between you and me is making me realize that you are not as good as I had thought. Now, there is not a doubt in my mind that you have been untrue to me on more than one occasion. Or perhaps it was the chase that you were in love with. Whatever the reason, I am not sending you anymore late night “I miss you” texts out of the blue, I will not respond to your half-ass “check ins” that you do every couple of days. Seriously. Is that some white people shit or do you really not give a fuck about anyone except yourself? You don’t even give me the chance to try to forget you.

You’re a complete narcissist. You see how you have me, so you keep me in your pocket when you run out of other sources of attention. Fuck that dude. Its only me or nothing.

You’re a fucking asshole.

You almost ruined me.

Was it worth it? The night I confronted you (actually cross-examined YOUR ass via telephone), you fessed and said “it was for my self confidence” and that you only wanted me etc etc etc etc

What upsets me most of all, is that -I- made you the man you are today. You hold your head up high because of me. You have confidence, thanks to me. At times, I am unsure if you copied my personality or if we were truly so similar.

Honestly, I don’t care that you’re an asshole. You care about animals, I care about people. I care about social inequality and I had to explain these concepts to you. I didn’t mind. You grew up a privileged white man, from the mid-west nonetheless. I never wanted you to change, just want to show you another side of life perhaps you hadn’t seen before.

I know I gave you life. You were dull and apathetic when I met you. I wasn’t impressed. But, I was determined to crack your shell and I did and this is how you repay me. I asked you for a break, I asked for an open relationship. we discussed these more than once. you were the one who said “no break” “no open relationship” “I only want you”. Ok bitch, then why do you have these other dating profiles. In the beginning, I thought I was just crazy (as per usual), but then I remember my madness always has a reason.

“I’ll do anything h, anything you want”. It was as easy as just being honest, but I guess you couldn’t deal with the idea of me fucking other people or finding someone else while you did the same lol.

So, were on a “break”. Fuck that, over a month of this small talk bull shit, I can’t do this. I realize now that I don’t want this -you- back. I didn’t text you because its infuriating to think you may be sleeping over with someone right now. Whatever, whatever, whatever.

I knew you’d be the man I’d write about, and here I am. You’re etched into my life.

I hate you for a fleeting moment, but god, I know as soon as I see your pretty eyes again I’ll melt and forget about everything you’ve done… I’m scared to see you again. I hope when I do, I can look directly into your sweet, golden honey gaze and be able to hide all this immense love for you.

Please lets just break up. I want to remember what it is like to love you again, without fear.

Maybe in the future, you can love me as much or more.

I’m fighting between wanting to love you or forget you. I’m on the cusp. You’re about to lose me forever. Please don’t be late.

why lie?

Seriously, why lie? If youre 30+ you act as if a google search isn’t possible. Like if you say you’re not seeking other mistresses and we’ve just talked for like 2 weeks, I’m not believing you.

I can backwards look up your phone or email, as I am on various kink pages myself. I can inductively reason youre a big fat liar if I find you active elsewhere.

Like its not hard.

so stop lying to my face.

I will block you lol

02/11/2020

I’m a realist, but I love to philosophize and ponder unrealistic ideas.

My personality type if INFJ, for those who are interested in knowing.

My own life has lead me to live incredible experiences. Some great and enthralling, and others somber and depressing.

Because I have lived a full life at 23, nothing can really surprise me and I can’t be easily fooled. My first serious relationship was with someone who was dominant, but neither of us knew about BDSM or the Lifestyle. He controlled every aspect of my life, what I could and couldn’t wear, restricted who I could talk to etc. etc. and he would gaslight me. Anyways, point being I was in abusive relationship and I vowed I wouldn’t allow myself to be in one again nor subject someone to the same tactics that I was subject to.

So why do you men push me to be that? I don’t want to be who I am not. Loving me is half of true submission, the other half is training and molding a submissive into my version of the perfect man.

Thats how I view it. Like this isn’t just about kinks for me, and wearing all that leather/latex/sexy shit that mainstream media likes to shit out.

I’m not like other females. Just because my life is so unique I know nobody has ever lived a life similar to me. My life has molded me into who I am today, and what I want is to build a life with someone and mold him into my perfect partner.