I sit here, anxious, wondering what my choice is going to be. I think though, that regardless of the one I take, it will work out in my favor.

Proof that being too ambitious is a bad thing.

Not angry, never angry. I still want to go to Europe, maybe once I graduate. If he loved me, he’d take me. albeit, sans COVID.

I want to go to the opera in Paris. Or see a concierto in Berlin. I want to go to a country none of my ancestors have ever gone to, or have stepped foot in. isn’t that the ultimate sign of progression? how cool it would be to be the first woman in your entire lineage to go to Europe. My uncle already went, but I kind of don’t count it because he went for work. My uncle, the ballet dancer lol. Who literally just does odd jobs but has no house or anything because he’s past his prime age for dancing. Damn, that sucks. Its not even like sex work where you never really age out and can still make as much money as women in their twenties if you market yourself a certain way.

I remember one summer that I was visiting my grandparents in Oaxaca, he came and brought his girlfriend. She was a tall, white-passing Latina. Big, light brown eyes with long look-at-me eyelashes. She was honestly really nice and though she was trying really hard to blend in, she couldn’t help but stick out like a sore thumb. Girl was like, 5’10. They eventually broke up, but I wonder why. I think she left my uncle for an older man who had stable income. If I remember correctly, he messaged her consistently on facebook trying to win her back and she told him to essentially fuck off when my uncle started bashing her new partner. I recall the next summer at my grandparents, he was there again and he would sigh every 30 minutes, look out the window, and sigh again. When my grandparents were out of town, he would play “Abrazame” by Cafe Tacvba on repeat while sitting in the back porch staring through the palo de mango in the middle of the backyard. Back then I was 13, and it was interesting to see heartbreak like that. I don’t think he ever got ever her. His new girlfriend, who he started dating maybe a year or two later, looks like a bootleg version of his white girlfriend. Everyone in the family noticed, talked about it once, and just left it at that. Him and that girl are still together. Interesting, because his girlfriend is significantly younger than him. She’s either a year or two older than me. She’s also very nice, but I can tell my uncle doesn’t love her as much as the woman that I guess is his “one that got away”.

One of my friends really feels he needs to have a partner to be happy in his twenties. I don’t know what else I can say to convince him that that is not true. You can be happy alone, or miserable with someone. You don’t need anyone to be happy, being happy comes from within.

I think for me, I am happy. But I am extremely happy that I have a huge heart and to experience what I would consider to be new found flavors and colors of life. And if I never experience a love as equal as mine, that is fine, as long as I able to document all the wonderful feelings that are manifest in me.

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