ingenua// mortal coil

creencias que todo va salir bien,

que al final todo sale igual o mejor de lo que espero

ingenua por ligarme a esta creencia?

mas cerca de la meta,

mas lejos la siento.

ingenua,

por no percibir que la posibilidad que mis sueños no se realizaran también existe;

por creer tanto en mi,

me consume de repente la ansiedad,

y que rabia,

creerme invincible y a la vez estar consiente que soy humana como cualquier otra.

cual es mi diferencia?

aparte de los complejos externos,

cual es mi diferencia entre las demás?

sera que la vida me ha dado tanta suerte sin darse cuenta que ahora he desarrollado este complejo,

de sentirme Dios

y subsequente, sentirme mortal.

validez

por que todo sale igual or mejor de lo que pensé

confianza y suerte,

la diferencia?

tal vez para alguien mas existe,

por que para mi es uno y lo mismo.


12/14

12:51 AM

Close to the end, not nearly finished. Close to the end, yet not really there.

I feel like a fucking enigma.

How is it possible that I did this all on my own? 2 years of hardworking brought me to this point but I feel almost as its been a mistake. I am going to let that feeling go. Focus on the goal, focus on the long game. That the present is easy, and it will just get harder as you move forward.

As if I didn’t already know

Loneliness, abandonment. Fear, rejection. Hate, depression.

All things I’ve felt before reaching the number, precursor of “adulthood”.

What good are these numbers when I already felt like one at 14. Taking care of myself, learning things on my own. No rules, no constraints. No path. Just a flower pushing through the concrete.

Is that what makes me exceptional? Or am I just a lovely abnormality,

Seems unfair to be given so many gifts I had no possibly of developing until much later. Seems to me the biggest fuck over when considering inequality. How could I have paved my path sooner when I was wandering most of my life in the dark. Seems to me that you need a constant crop to your ass to push you. How can I have discipline if I’m doing it on my own?

Where can I find someone to look up to, if no one has lived experiences like mine and their advice, through well meant, is just a waste of energy. How can you give me advice that fits thousands of molds, but I’m one of the odd ones out.

Go through life experimenting, observing reactions, then developing a hypothesis so I can choose my next best choice. Mistakes, retract, make adjustments, go at it again. Constant trail and error. That is what is pushing me to excellence.

Seems like I’m going through the hardest bit, but the rewards can be oh so sweet,

if I imagine it, and work towards it, and want it bad enough, I can do it right? You have to want it bad enough. Bad enough that you take your discipline seriously, want it bad enough you put yourself first.

Leaving Eladio was constant error, fail after fail. You didn’t want it bad enough. To leave him, to leave that life. Seems the more people told you what you needed to do, the less you cared what they had to say.

Insecurities, telling you that you won’t be able to, validating a miserable existence. Fuck, how much I’ve grown since then.

I love myself. That life was never meant for me. Everything I do is to distance myself as much as possible from that long ago memory. I refuse to feel like that again.

I’m so anxious because I’m so close, yet the stakes are so high. it makes me nervous. how can I tell my friend it feels like my entire future depends on the present? I just want the optimal environment for myself, which is in face of adversity. I’ve never gambled, with money at least but with my life already plenty of times. Risk-taker, adventurous. Impressive. At face value, thats what it looks like but theres much more science and complexity behind it.

“What drives you?”

be honest and say you do it for a little you that learned everything through the hard knocks of life? the best education I had was the absence of it.

or water it down and say, “The excitement to discover my full potential”

neither of them lies.

Why would the universe give me so many talents? it only makes sense to cultivate them. Jack of all trades, not yet an ace but have all the potential to be. Can’t waste anymore wondering, thinking about what could have been. I’m here now and will strive if I focus.

Amazing the new doors I will open, the new achievements I am going to make. The mind is a muscle, so train it.

Give it your all.

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