12/08: COVID, Life

mood/energy

Since the year is almost over, I’ve been thinking a lot about the things I’ve been grateful for but also of missed opportunities.

Some of them excusable, others not that much.

Everything is going to be alright in the end! I know so. I trust the process, and the universe. Most importantly, I trust myself. I’m the one who has been proactive in looking for these (my) opportunities and retaining the ones I want the most, or at least trying to. COVID has made it hard for me to stay enthusiastic of my trajectory and my goals, although I am not deviating from the path I have been slowing down/taking rest stops more than usual. 2019 I took no rest stops and for the first half of this year, that was true as well. I am to pick up pace once finals are over, shit is really kicking my ass.

This pass week has really been kicking my ass. Dealing with insomnia, overeating/not eating at all, weird ass dreams and just stress on my shoulders from supporting my family. I want to work on school, but I clam up and can’t focus. I’m going to pick up meditating to see if that helps. I’ve been studying for the LSAT too, which is also another stressor. I keep thinking “I need money I need money” but really im financially “ok”. like for the first time ever, I am okay. I could survive without any extra income for the next few months and thats fucking crazy because a little over 2 years ago I was living in my car and showering at the gym.

One exceptionally cold and rainy night, I think in the fall I was driving down PCH, seriously contemplating driving over the edge to end my life. I’ll spare the details of the events that led me to that point, but I ultimately decided not to. Not sure what the sign was. But I think I told myself that if I didn’t, I had to try really hard to get my shit together and make it work. I can proudly say I’ve never asked for handouts.

Next year/few months later? I ended up going to Nobu, Catch, and other places I know no one in my family has ever gone to, not on my dime either. It validated my decision to keep on living. Talking to a therapist also really helped to keep me focused and keep me on a goal. Dropped them, but depression started visiting again a few months ago so I am seeing one currently.

I think being honest gets you far. Deceiving and lying is a hard facade to keep up, so I avoid that at all costs. With me, what you see is pretty much what you get. If I like you though, you’ll see the best parts of me that will keep you charmed forever. I am not insecure, though I do have thoughts that get to my head that try to invalidate me every once in awhile. I think they call it ‘imposter syndrome’. Like a first gen latina, raised by a single mother, is it not sheer luck that I got this far? Hell no, I worked and went through hell to be where I am now. To live the lifestyle I live. My own merits. I’m strong and ambitious, super young too. The world is literally mine.

I stopped comparing myself to others a long time ago, years ago. Today I feel really sure about myself, those negative thoughts rarely creep in. I think only when I perceive people are lying to me. Lie to a white bitch, not me lol. Honesty is best policy with me, even if it may not be what I want to hear.

So the year is nearly to a close, a few weeks from now. I wonder if I will close it with a bang or gradually. Either way, I know it will be satisfying. I’m okay with letting people go this time, before I wanted to collect friends but this year I’ve been more strict with my boundaries regarding relationships. The guy who took me to those nice places?Gone from my life. Sent him a short letter telling him why I was choosing to end our friendship and blocked him, just because ghosting is not my style unless I barely know them. My exboyfriend who was there with me through it all? I tried to stay friends but he kept wanting to try even though I told him I didn’t love him anymore, so I drew my line in the sand and we haven’t talked since. I will no longer keep people in my life that I can’t grow with.

To great new beginnings.

Cheers.

H

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