It’s 3am and I am up thinking about you.
I toss in turn in my bed, fumble in my sheets and sigh. My arm drapes over a pillow, and my fingers hang from the edge of the bed. I wish we were still together.
I wonder what you think about. You said recently that I am the first and last thing on your mind. What are you dreaming of tonight?
A few minutes ago, I was about to text you. I was going to say how I wish we never met. I didn’t even bother typing it out. I just stared at your name in my phone and thought of all the ways you’ve been a POS.
The most terrible thing about all this, is the amount of love I still have for you. I could write poems about your eyes. They will forever be my favorite thing about you. I remember looking into them dotingly as you bathed me in your tub. You washed my body with the same care a parent would for their baby. I swear this as the day I fell in love with you. When I glanced up and you looked into my eyes, you knew. You saw my naked truth that day.
I think of those pretty eyes often.
I realized your eyes were hazel one morning. The suns rays entered through one of the windows, lighting up your room and consequently, those two orbs as well. Waking up and blinking my own sleepy ones, I saw you already up laying on your side. I am unsure if that morning felt particularly bright and warm due to the sun or because of us.
There are no words in the English language that can accurately convey all that I feel for you. It is a pity that you don’t understand any Spanish. I’ve gathered the most beautiful definitions of love of both my cultures for you.
I’ve become such a fool for you, that for my own good I’m staying away.
So many times you’ve lied to me and I willingly dismissed them due to lack of evidence.
This distance I am putting between you and me is making me realize that you are not as good as I had thought. Now, there is not a doubt in my mind that you have been untrue to me on more than one occasion. Or perhaps it was the chase that you were in love with. Whatever the reason, I am not sending you anymore late night “I miss you” texts out of the blue, I will not respond to your half-ass “check ins” that you do every couple of days. Seriously. Is that some white people shit or do you really not give a fuck about anyone except yourself? You don’t even give me the chance to try to forget you.
You’re a complete narcissist. You see how you have me, so you keep me in your pocket when you run out of other sources of attention. Fuck that dude. Its only me or nothing.
You’re a fucking asshole.
You almost ruined me.
Was it worth it? The night I confronted you (actually cross-examined YOUR ass via telephone), you fessed and said “it was for my self confidence” and that you only wanted me etc etc etc etc
What upsets me most of all, is that -I- made you the man you are today. You hold your head up high because of me. You have confidence, thanks to me. At times, I am unsure if you copied my personality or if we were truly so similar.
Honestly, I don’t care that you’re an asshole. You care about animals, I care about people. I care about social inequality and I had to explain these concepts to you. I didn’t mind. You grew up a privileged white man, from the mid-west nonetheless. I never wanted you to change, just want to show you another side of life perhaps you hadn’t seen before.
I know I gave you life. You were dull and apathetic when I met you. I wasn’t impressed. But, I was determined to crack your shell and I did and this is how you repay me. I asked you for a break, I asked for an open relationship. we discussed these more than once. you were the one who said “no break” “no open relationship” “I only want you”. Ok bitch, then why do you have these other dating profiles. In the beginning, I thought I was just crazy (as per usual), but then I remember my madness always has a reason.
“I’ll do anything h, anything you want”. It was as easy as just being honest, but I guess you couldn’t deal with the idea of me fucking other people or finding someone else while you did the same lol.
So, were on a “break”. Fuck that, over a month of this small talk bull shit, I can’t do this. I realize now that I don’t want this -you- back. I didn’t text you because its infuriating to think you may be sleeping over with someone right now. Whatever, whatever, whatever.
I knew you’d be the man I’d write about, and here I am. You’re etched into my life.
I hate you for a fleeting moment, but god, I know as soon as I see your pretty eyes again I’ll melt and forget about everything you’ve done… I’m scared to see you again. I hope when I do, I can look directly into your sweet, golden honey gaze and be able to hide all this immense love for you.
Please lets just break up. I want to remember what it is like to love you again, without fear.
Maybe in the future, you can love me as much or more.
I’m fighting between wanting to love you or forget you. I’m on the cusp. You’re about to lose me forever. Please don’t be late.