09/27

when the sex is too good, its toxic.

almost always.. mm ­čśŽ

I need to be single again for my own health. I don’t like how I feel in this relationship anymore honestly. The brujer├şa I did was not worth it, I no longer want this man, he is not the love of my life.

ugh but the sex between us just gets better…. terrible, I know

I die

he’s not going to love me the way I need to be loved

termine cediendo

de tus ojos hice mi mejor cancion

Y a pesar de todo, lo que has hecho Con mi pobre vida, te amo

Con mi pobre vida, te extra├▒o Con mi triste vida, me muero Traicionaste mis sentimientos, mi vida agoniza

Muchas noches tristes, las que vivo Porque quiero tenerte, nuevamente en mis brazos Regresar al pasado Y olvidar las traiciones Que son las que me tienen, penando por tu amor.

Quisiera que el tiempo, borrara Todos esos malos, recuerdos Esos que me tienen, sufriendo Pero el tiempo no borra, nada Tan solo arrastraron, la calma De mi pobre vida

“A pesar de todo”

Despite everything that you have done, with my poor life, I love you

With my poor life, I miss you. With my sad life, I Die; You betrayed my feelings, my life is in agony.

Many nights I spend in melancholy, because I want to have you again in my arms. I want to go back and forget your betrayals, because they have me agonizing for your love.

I wish that time could erase all those bad memories, that keep me suffering. But time doesn’t erase them, it has only dragged the calmness out of my life.

“Despite everything”


You are my sickness. I can no longer retain the amount of love I have for you, I am drowning.

So I hope you can take it all and leave me dry, so I can start anew, and find a new home.

I have nothing left to say.

So I guess this is goodbye.

I doubt you will ever love me like I love you.

8:25PM

I am missing you so much, and someone once told me, to go in with my eyes Wide open because you are showing me who you really are. And I thought I could be happy with you lying to me but I am not. You say you love me, how? When I am not enough for you. When you would do more for others than for me. Then why keep me?

Why do you always try to keep me stuck to your hip, you want me like that yet it is not okay for to have others. fine. but I cannot share you either. not emotionally anyway. you say lets open the relationship, and you say it with such disdain as if you hadn’t been the one who threw this to shit.

I have cried 2 nights straight, and yes I am menstrating but your apathy is killing me. I just want to hear you or talk to you, and now im supposedly the one. but its not me, because im only like this because of what you have done. I can’t think straight.

september: chiles rellenos

Per usual, this is another letter for you.

Did you wonder if I loved you today? If so, the answer is yes, I do.

Sometimes I feel like I’m writing to 24-year-old you, not 48-year-old you. I imagine you much more handsome back then, without as much charm as you have now. You’re a tricky one, un ma├▒oso.

Pero me encantan tus ma├▒as.

Here I am writing again because I can’t stop thinking of you. I hope we live together soon. If we could get a dog, I’d like an Australian shepherd or a medium-sized mutt.

The other night I cooked for you. I think I surpassed your expectations, or passed some sort of secret test of yours. You will mostly cook, and I will cook twice a week, alternating Monday, Friday, and Sundays. I won’t confess it directly to you, but I have the intention of trying out new recipes so I can perfect at least 3 dishes for you. You are my old man. “The way to a mans heart is through his stomach”… (and before that his anus, maybe?)

I made Chile rellenos for you, you liked them and you I saved the recipe for the future, I will write it and keep it for you.

you ate 3! 1 poblano, and 2 jalape├▒os. recipe:

Chiles Prep

4 Poblano (pref for special occasions,) or 6 Jalape├▒os

roast the peppers until blacked, cover with lid if roasting in a pan or enclose in a bag

leave in bag/closed until your relleno is finished. should be cooled by then

peel black skin, use spoon or hands. be careful to not touch the seeds! can be very spicy/burn

cut open, devein. Once cleaned fill in with relleno, toss in flour until coated. dip and cover in turr├│n, add to hot frying pan

relleno

1 tomato, diced

1/2 white onion,diced

1 clove of garlic, minced

1 Chile serrano, diced

vegan “ground beef”

pinch of salt

sprinkle of pepper

flour

2 tablespoons of fresh cilantro, chopped (or you can use 1 tablespoon of fresh mint, if you want to amaze yourself)

place pan over medium heat, add a tsp of oil (avocado oil was used), once oil toss in vegan beef.

once the nonmeat is in small pieces, add chopped onion and minced garlic. Wait until browned, add tomato and Serrano. add salt and pepper. Stir occasionally, make sure ingredients are well mixed together.

turr├│n

3 egg whites

1 yolk

jugo Magi (this is a secret I learned from an aunt)

Beat egg whites until foamy. Best test, hold the recipient you are using upside down, if it slides, keep beating.

Once fluffed, add egg yolk, 2 splashes of jugo magi, stir in until well blended.

sauce

1 roma tomato, the redder the better

1 Chile serrano

1 clove of garlic

boil, then blend. add to hot skillet, stir, add salt and pepper to taste,

optional, touch of oregano

add warm sauce over hot Chile. serve with red rice rec.

I love that both of us know how to cook. Good memories with you are replacing the bad ones. Maybe things can be fixed. I hope so, I love you.

“Like Water for Chocolate” by Laura Esquivel is one of my favorites, for corny, obvious reasons. I hope you enjoy it.

love that book, its so cute. beautiful, romantic, makes your heartache, perfect for me.


I’d like to learn chiles en nogada, my favorite Mexican delicacy. Mole is also on the list.

enchantment

“Sortilegio” por Antonio Bandu

Enchanting woman,

Black magic in your stare,

You must have a spell you use to bewitch,

Your ribbon lips must have red magic,

the moment I kiss them they awake my heart.

An enchanting love,

that dies as soon as it starts.

In my life,

you have been the greatest mystery to love.

When I least suspected,

the spell was broken,

and the castle that was formed, collapsed.

a little story

I said I would write a story,

Not sure if it would be a happy or sad one but I promised I would.

Its late at night and I am drinking again. Not sure if its to escape reality or to destress while reading and dissecting articles of our impending economical doom.

I keep thinking of piggies, so perhaps its appropriate I create a short story and metaphor.

So there was once a piggy. Short, round, a baby. Offspring of prize-winning swine – fine is not an adjective to describe this domesticated animal.

This piggy grew, and my, what a beast he became! Huge, robust. A meaty contender. A fearsome and awesome hog. The farmer fed him what he could, but the pig always wanted more. He had to have his own pen, unshared, because with his size he easily would kill any other piggies that tried to munch on the slaw allotted.

The farmer thought him to be magnificent enough to take to a county fair, perhaps win a prize.

So the farmer had his 2 children usher the beast into a portable trailer. Unfortunately, the farmer underestimated the power of the hog and this animal then trampled and killed his 2 children.

The hog did not go to the fair. It did not win any prizes.

Its consumption did not bring him a life of breeding for him, or comfort. Instead, the farmer decided to kill the beast and use the carnage to feed the town, no charge.

This 1,000 pound pig who would not cease to eat, who would not share, shared the same fate as all the rest of the pigs. Death, consumption. Perhaps there was more joy and celebration in the death of the other pigs before him, but this huge pig was not missed nor celebrated.

And thats what I think of the elite.

You can monopolize, consume, take advantage of the hand that feeds you.

But you will die the same death as us, and you will not be missed. Your half-assed philanthropy will not save you, and no one will shed a tear. Your children are part of the elite, so their emotions and feelings are worthless in the grand scheme of things.

I truly don’t think there is anything wholesome or good that can come from your allotted money.

My suggestion to you is to give it away for free.

Ask for nothing in return.

Give, to strangers, to beautiful young girls, to non-profits, to organizations abroad, to individuals who don’t necessarily share their story.

You don’t need all that money.

You are more than fine with half of it.

Give it to brown people, to black people, to communities that know how to speak and understand the Earth and Universe in ways that you’ve only read about.

Send to me, a Goddess,

Send,

give it away.

I made you rich.

rosario

No eres santo, ni yo una creyente

Pero me encuentro otra noche arrodillada ante ti.

Mi fantasia es la siguiente:

Estoy a gata por ti, mi manos y rodillas plantadas en el piso liso, frio

Mi ojos hacia el piso, tus pies enfrente de mi.

Aunque yo nunca te he hecho alg├║n mal;

Me pienso Maria Magdalena, deseando brotar lagrimas por ti y usar estas mismas para limpiar tus hermosos pies de tez transluciente

Tu me das incitas a besarlos, sin alzar mi mirada.

Siento si te miro, me quemo

Me alzas la cabeza con un solo dedo, dici├ęndome que me arrodille, que te reza

mis manos libres para poder frotarlas sobre mi deseo mas carnal, la raz├│n di mis delirios madrugadoras.

Mi boca diciendo lo mucho que te amo, sin decir alguna palabra.

Se├▒or,

que me has hecho

que no encuentro salvaci├│n contigo

Me envicias, me enloqueces,

Mas te frequento, mas te pienso.

Matame con una sola mirada.

Compadecete de mi, mirarme con tus ojos verde col├│r miel,

humillame, averg├╝├ęnzame

pero perm├ştame pederme y ahogarme dentro del mar de tu mirada.

Tus pesta├▒as, dos cascadas

pesadas

cay├ęndose, y tapando el tesoro que son tus ojos.

Me siento como Moctezuma, confiado y convencido que eres Dios.

Estoy consciente que tal vez ser├ís mi muerte, mi f├şn.

Prefiero mil veces que el final de mi historia sea una hermosa tragedia, que morir sin sentir ninguna emoci├│n vivida.

why would you do that?

why would you come to my house, unannounced? No one gave you permission to do that.

As you can probably imagine, I am irritated. I have been since yesterday evening.

What’s really the kicker is the fact that you triggered me. You obviously haven’t cared enough to gently ask questions about my past relationship, the one that ruined me. Because the truth is you don’t really care to know… it makes you uncomfortable to hear all the sad things I have gone through before I even turned 20.

Like every adult white person in America, you have not really fought to be where you are. You cannot relate to another’s suffering. Fool I am to ever think you could understand.

How dare you expect my time at a moments notice.

What have you really given me to deserve that? Nothing. Nothing significant yet, anyways.

What would I consider significant? You on both knees. Or one.

I am a muse, creative, ethereal. Spiritual, and content. Young, optimistic. You keep me because I’m everything you are not.

I’m upset and bored with you. And now paranoid. Seeing you did not do my soul justice, it only made me question your sudden appearance. Why didn’t you text me you were on your way to see me? Why didn’t you call? Why would you do what you did?

Your action only makes me suspicious.

Are you tracking my phone? Do you think I sleep with other men? If I did, trust me these type of things would only make me laugh, and not phase me.

Why would you make me upset. Unknowingly, but I am very distraught by your lack of consideration.

I know I don’t need you. Not then, not now, not ever. Every relationship is an exchange of things; we are all inherently sellers and buyers. I feel that you are getting the most, for doing the least. Your words honestly hold no value to me… so boring. If you were in a different area of law, I am sure you would be a failure.

One day, you will hear me speak and you will fall to your knees, finally realizing that I am the Supreme Power you seek. I am the God that will make you a believer.

You are more useless than you realize.

08/06

Growing pains all throughout March-May, and things are finally settling a bit.

I gave myself no break, going hard as ever working and then immediately enrolling in summer courses.

Do I regret it? No. Even with COVID, life has not really slowed down or been slightly less stressful. Thanks to my tenacity, and choices from the beginning of the year/end of last, 2 opportunities that I have been manifesting have now presented themselves in the past week!
I have a certain plan for my life and I definitely have goals that I want to reach within now and the next year.

I will be living between X city during the week and LA on the weekends, I will be working in the sector that I have been networking and immersing myself in. By this time next year, I anticipate getting a few small cosmetic procedures done to bring out my natural beautiful a little more ­čÖé

Man, I am so looking forward to different problems, and not the ones I am currently facing. Which are minimal, and baby shit – therefore, not problems that are worth dealing with.

Everything I have ever wanted, I have had.

One of my ex-boyfriends even wrote that to me in one of his last messages to me. “Tu alguna vez dijiste, que se te cumple todo lo que quieres en la vida. Y ya veo que es cierto”. He sent that after I broke up and moved states away lol. And he wasn’t wrong though! My life dramatically improved after I left him, I was shocked. I should have lavished in those first months of freedom longer, and better.

He still is the most meaningful relationship I’ve ever had, in a bad way. There are days, weeks, months even that I don’t think about him. But my trigger dates are approaching, so I’m controlling my thoughts in this way.

You truly create your own reality.

My reality is that I am destined to be successful, loved, and memorable.